Sex. Love making, Fucking. We all refer to intercourse in different ways. At the end of the day, it’s all the same thing – becoming vulnerable with another and allowing them to explore our bodies safely and to do the same with them. Sex is a gift.

Remember when you first met? You fell for their body as much as their mind. And that’s a good thing – our bodies are part of our mind, part of our holistic selves. When we are with someone we are physically attracted to our heart rate increases, our breathing quickens and our pupils dilate. Every psychological thought has a physiological reaction. We admire their eyes, their chest, their arms, their legs. Our desire leads us to reach out – to touch, to embrace, to explore. In long-standing relationships, however, if we don’t keep the passion alive, we arrive at a plateau. As with most things we expend energy on, unless we mix it up a little we will become monotonous – and that’s no fun in the bedroom. Here are some ways to ensure your rapid heart beat, deep breathing and enlarged pupils are as present during sex as your orgasm:

Slow it down


Sex is not a race. While moments are indeed fast and furious, you’re not on a mission to reach orgasm in 0-60 seconds. Unless you’re alone. Light the fire – or a candle – undress each other slowly and maintain eye contact. Watch for recognition in your partner’s eyes as you touch places they find sensitive. Close your eyes and take turns caressing your partner’s body. Be sensuous. Be Mindful. Tease. The desired outcome will be more intense if the lead up has been slow.

Spice it up

Some people like to incorporate sex toys or pornography into their sex play. We are all different in our tastes, and nothing is right or wrong in this regard so long as the activity is consensual and safe. If you use toys, keep them clean. If your partner is open to it, invite another person into your bedroom. Again, so long as it’s consensual and safe, it’s your business and your sex.

Mix it up

Tired of the bedroom? Take it outside. Nothing beats a secluded picnic where orgasm is the main meal. Sneak up behind your partner in the kitchen and see if you can steal them away from the stove for a while. Start at passionate fire in the kitchen, however, not a real one! And here’s a goodie: have an affair with your spouse. Arrange to meet them at a local bar or restaurant and pretend it’s for the first time. Flirt with each other. Hire a hotel room for the night and have a secret rendezvous. It’s the best kind of affair – no one gets hurt.

Mess it up

Who doesn’t like chocolate? Unless you’re allergic, in which case you’ll need to find a similar alternative so this is an enjoyable exercise for both parties. There are some lovely body chocolate spreads around. I’m not talking about Nutella , but I’m sure that would be just as tasty. Lay some towels on the bed – or on the sheepskin rug by the fire – and take turns painting each other with chocolate. You can either shower it off or lick it off – it’s up to you.

Be healed!

It’s true, sex heals. And not because Marvin Gaye sang it – helps to relieve my mind,  sexual healing baby, is good for me – but because sex provides one of the best validation and stress releases we can attribute to our whole selves. Safe touch is affirming a basic human need. The neurochemical dopamine is released stimulating the pleasure sensors in our brain. The blissful feeling orgasm brings resonates throughout our body and we can let all else go – literally, as during orgasm our lateral orbitofrontal cortex shuts down so we lose our ability to reason. If we ever had it.

The short of it is that sex is a gift. Use it wisely. Use it safely. Use it respectfully. And most of all, use it often – it’s the perfect way to connect with your partner and strengthen the bond between you so that together you can face the world. Slow it down, spice it up, mix it up, mess it up. Just don’t give it up. Be healed.

Article | Lisa Luke Michelle