Comedian, playwright and Snap-Chat Dude Tom Sainsbury knows “some of you bitches must be struggling” to stay off Grindr. But he has the ultimate solution: self-pleasure!

Tell us about your Level 4 Lockdown – where are you? Who’s in your bubble? And what are you doing to keep your mental health in check?

I’m in Ponsonby in my one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. During the day he works in the bedroom, I work in the living room. We go for exhaustive 20 minute runs every day. And I have plenty of naps.


I think just taking the opportunity to get outside is helping my mental health. That, and laughing at all the brilliant memes and TikToks being created during this time.

What are your top tips for express readers who are struggling with self-isolation?

I recommend self-pleasuring if you’re alone. Or even with someone else. Get on that pornhub. Get out the toys. But don’t go too crazy with it. But honestly, it releases great hormones and makes you calm, and it’s cardio. And it’ll stop you wanting to hook up with people on Grindr. Which I know some of you bitches must be struggling with. 

Also, screw everyone else (not literally). This is a great time to do things at your own pace. So just go with the flow of it. Don’t feel you have to be on someone else’s time. 

But, in saying that, just making your bed in the morning is great psychologically, in my opinion. 

Ooh, also. If there’s something you want to get done but are struggling with procrastination. Just set the timer on your phone for ten minutes and do ten minutes of that activity a day. It’s such a low commitment but it works. And makes you feel great.

What is the most positive aspect of self-isolation you’ve experienced so far?

Being an introvert, I’m kinda in heaven. And it’s giving me the opportunity to do a few work bits and pieces that I’ve literally been postponing for years. So it’s a breather time to get shit done. 

I’ve also had a chance to do some deep cleaning. This apartment gets dusty walls. It’s absolute bullshit. But there I am, standing on the chair, vacuuming my walls! It’s so dumb but really satisfying. 

What plans do you have between now and day 28 of lockdown?

Washboard abs. I want to come out of it like a god and everyone be like, ‘damn, girl!’- Tom is hawt!’ But, we’re ten days in and I’m looking even worse than before! So it’s an uphill battle for me. 

What are you missing most about ‘normal life’?

Cafe coffees. My plunger coffee skills are nil. I’m also sick of my apartment. I want to be lounging around in other houses. 

What will be the first thing that you can’t wait to do when regular life resumes?

Do some stand-up – I need a live audience!

Also, meet up with all my friends and grope them/make out with them. But I’ll be doing that purely platonically I promise. 

Moving forward is there anything you think you will change about your life following self-isolation?

Appreciate all the times I get to perform for a room full of human beings. And I am going to be much more active in planning international travel and doing international travel. I need to see the world a lot more than I’ve been doing recently!

Is there a closing message you would like to share with our gorgeous LGBTI+ community?

My music teacher told me this today, and I want to pass it on. This is the ultimate ‘me time’. Not me, ‘you’. You know what I mean. This is a huge expanse of time where you can really focus in on you. What you want, how you want to conduct yourself, who you want in your life. This time can be a real blessing.

Also, I love you all. Can’t wait to make out with you in Countdown as we gaily buy our non-restricted toilet paper.