Many trans people believe beginning hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and undergoing surgery will make everything in their lives better. Unfortunately, the reality is not always the case, says Eli Luke Michel.
You’ve been waiting for this moment for as long as you can remember. Anticipation has built as you’ve waited months after a referral to the sexual health clinic for an initial consult with one of their GPs, and even though it will be further weeks before seeing one of their psychologists, at least the process has begun. You are finally on your way to accessing the medication you need to appease some of your gender dysphoria and redirect your body towards the puberty you wished you’d had. There is hope.
You envision telling your family and friends. Surely they’ll understand that you have been living in great distress, and that this medical intervention will bring you great happiness. Surely they want that for you?
There are numerous things to take into consideration before transitioning, and I know chances are you’ll go ahead anyway because the desire for the body to match the brain is so intense that little else matters, so it’s wise to have a heads-up before proceeding.
Coming out can be the easiest part or the hardest part, depending on your family and friend circle. The odds are high that you will lose at least one connection. Some people lose them all. Knowing who you can trust prior to disclosing your identity and having adequate social and professional support beforehand can benefit you greatly.
Your relationships will change. Even if your family and friends are understanding and receptive, there will still be times they accidentally misgender you or call you by your birth name, and it will hurt. Learn to gently correct them in a way that leaves you both feeling respected. Knowing it was unintentional and taking into consideration the length of time they have known you helps; yelling at someone – especially if it was accidental – does not.
If you’re married/in a committed partnership, whether hetero or homosexual, your realigning gender will change things. Your lover of twenty years may say they will/want to stay with you, but be prepared that you may lose those nearest and dearest. Some people lose access to their children. Others have a deeper relationship now that they are living in truth. Newly dating means choosing whether or not to disclose and preparing for rejection if so.
The workplace can be tricky to navigate, especially if you’re employed in a gender-dominated industry. If seeking a new job, check their inclusivity policy. Internalised transphobia and homophobia is a biggie. The shame of being trans or trans and LGB, the shame of being different, and the guilt of affecting family by coming out can still be present decades after transitioning. The messages we’ve been taught can stay ingrained in us for life unless we do the work to neurologically undo them.
Keep in mind that things may not always go according to plan. HRT can make us vulnerable to emotional ups and downs – you’re going through a second puberty after all, regardless of age – and other issues can be exacerbated; surgery complications can occur, thus the importance of a robust process and comprehension of informed consent. Cost is a huge factor.
Acknowledge the positive (life-saving) aspects, yet hold in balance the fact that other issues won’t just go away. Transitioning could even create new problems. Remain secure in your identity and teach people gently but firmly, in a spirit of truth and love. Life is short. Find you, be you, stay you. You got this.