Jessie Lewthwaite says ‘love languages’ are a straight man’s concept, so she has created some of her own!
While out with friends, the topic of love languages came up. At my age, basically all my friends are couples, and hanging out together looks like three or four sets of couples crowded around a table at a trendy restaurant deciding if we are sharing starters or getting our own mains. When love languages came up, I felt the ADHD urge to explain at a volume that wasn’t quite necessary, ‘the history’. I was right to do so, and I will do it again now. So picture this next part like I’m yelling it at you from across a table in a crowded restaurant.
The guy who came up with the five love languages that are now mainstream is a Baptist minister. The five being ‘touch’, ‘gifts’, ‘acts of service’, ‘words of affirmation’ and ‘quality time’ were originally published by a Christian publisher and sold as ‘Christian Literature’. The whole idea of them was so straight, Christian couples could finally communicate that maybe if the husband loaded the dishwasher for once, the wife would be more likely to let him touch her. So I thought we deserved some of our own, and I have made some up.
The first one I feel should be obvious but is oddly specific, and it is communicating with each other but through a pet. Hear me out – it makes sense, I promise. We as queer women obviously all have pets – it’s the law. And when you have a pet, you talk to it, sing to it, pretend it is talking to you, and say, “I know!” in response. We all do this – don’t lie. But when you have a pet in a relationship, you can talk to it, but really what you are saying is for your partner to hear, and this is an adorable way to communicate love! I’ll often tell my son (a dachshund) that he is so cute because he got his other mother’s good genes. Or tell him he is smart like his mama. Feel free to try this – honestly, I think that it’s the definition of what the kids call ‘rizz’.
Another one that is definitely one of my love languages, I’m calling “spontaneous D&M”. We all know how intense women-who-love-women (WLW) relationships can be. The talking, the feelings, the talking about the feelings – we can be very talk-heavy! But it’s also amazing when one second you can be on the couch with your girlfriend watching a true crime documentary only to pause it a second later to have an hour-long deep and meaningful conversation about how a past trauma shaped you and how that could impact the relationship… then casually unpause to continue watching.
Or even a casual walk along the beach turning into a detailed conversation about our plans for old age and expectations around body parts that can and cannot be donated. This is why we have the stereotype that we move fast! If your second date already involves a sincere discussion about the complicated relationships you have with your parents, then, hey, you get to know each other pretty quickly!
These examples are by no means unique to WLW relationships, just like the original five are so universal that many people can identify with them. And there are a lot more that could be included! I very biasedly wrote two that are my lesbian love languages, but it is my column, so I’m allowed. However, it is also very queer not to let an old straight man tell us what love is supposed to look like. That’s my job!
