Global Director of Growing Families Sam Everingham discusses options for gay men wanting to have a child of their own.
Many gay couples (and singles) are lucky to locate a local egg donor and surrogate in New Zealand. Sometimes this is the same woman – a process called traditional surrogacy. Traditional surrogacy is fairly popular, given it can be done independently of an IVF clinic. Many feel this keeps the process more intimate and familiar – de-medicalising it, if you like. It also avoids the hefty IVF costs that New Zealand clinics charge for donor IVF – double the costs of the same processes in Australia.
According to Auckland-based surrogacy lawyer Stewart Dalley, “Even with traditional surrogacy, before insemination occurs, both the surrogate and intended parent(s) should seek independent legal advice so that everyone is clear on their rights and responsibilities from the outset. The best course is to mirror the process that would occur if you were to go through a clinic.”
But for some, home insemination of a surrogate they may have met online is just too intimate a thought. Traditional surrogacy is a completely independent process – often done in the absence of professional screening and counselling.
For gay singles and couples wanting more professional oversight, international surrogacy may be the answer. Dalley advises, “There is a more limited pool of countries where international surrogacy can be undertaken; the key destinations recently have been the USA, Mexico and Colombia. Each also has legal regulations allowing the issue of birth certificates with both intended parents named.”
Rubyn and Tamati are just one Māori couple who, both from large families, decided a long time ago that something was missing in their lives. When living in Brisbane, they were inspired by a 2009 current affairs show on a gay couple who had twin daughters via surrogacy in India. They started looking into the options. When India closed to gay couples a few years later, they looked at Europe. This too was a dead end.
Returning to live in Whangarei in Northland in 2018, they finally enrolled in Oranga Tamariki’s adoption program. At the eleventh hour, they were disillusioned by the lack of understanding their caseworker had of whakapapa. Their worker refused to acknowledge their desire to connect any child with their local culture. Ill-at-ease at this cultural insensitivity, they looked offshore again – at surrogacy in Mexico. By now it was 2019, and the COVID pandemic put their dreams on hold. Finally, at the end of 2022, they picked up their dream, travelling to Mexico to start the process. By early 2024, 23 years into their relationship – Rubyn, now 46 and Tamati, 50 – were finally parents.
In regard to international arrangements, says their lawyer, Stewart Dalley “It’s important to get legal advice before you sign agency or surrogate agreements because most are written with a different process than the one New Zealand operates. Your lawyer will set out the road map so you know the who, what, why, where and when of the process.”
Rubyn, the Mexico agency they worked with, as well as five other gay dads via surrogacy in New Zealand, Colombia and the US, will speak at Growing Families’ annual Auckland event on Saturday 9 March 2025. Each couple will explain much more about the ups and downs of their journeys via domestic and international surrogacy. Also speaking will be local surrogates, egg donors and experts from New Zealand and abroad.
So whether you are part way along or still considering options, don’t miss this once-yearly opportunity to connect with the Aotearoa community. Book early-bird tickets at growingfamilies.org
