Jessie Lewthwaite breaks down common myths about lesbian relationships, domestic violence stats, ‘lesbian porn’, and the reality of queer women’s happiness.
Not long ago, I found myself in a part of town I didn’t even know existed — in a bar where I’m fairly certain I wasn’t welcome — doing my best to support a friend and his band. Before the show kicked off, a couple of local men confidently approached us, clearly under the impression they were taking us under their wing. At first, I was grateful.
Then we started talking about queerness.
With all the swagger of a straight, cis, white man who dropped out of high school, one of them announced that lesbian relationships are bad, actually, because, didn’t you know, lesbians have the highest rates of domestic violence of any pairing?
Suddenly, I was questioning not only how much I liked the friend I’d come to support, but also whether I even liked music that much.
But my friend didn’t flinch. She looked the guy in the eye and said, calmly:
“Do you actually want to talk about this and learn more? I need to know that before I make an effort to correct you.”
The man had a wee tantrum, called my friend a bitch, and slunk away. His mate apologised profusely.
So no, that man wasn’t open to learning. But maybe you are — and maybe you’ve got people in your life who are, too.
So let me go full Professor Jessie on you, and walk through a few of the myths you’ve likely heard confidently shouted by underachieving men in bars.
Let’s start with the one that inspired this column: the myth about high rates of domestic violence in lesbian relationships.
Yes, one study did show that around 60% of queer women have experienced violence in relationships. But the study was inclusive — it surveyed bisexual women, late-in-life lesbians, and trans queer women.
And if you’ve guessed where this is going, you get a gold star: the violence was almost always perpetrated by a male partner.
Next up — and I think we all deserve a cheeky celebration — Pornhub has once again crowned “Lesbian” the most searched category in Australia and New Zealand. Go us! Isn’t it heart-warming to have so much content about us… so readily available… and so many allies consuming it?
Okay, yeah. Obviously, a huge percentage of lesbian porn isn’t made by or for us.
While women — including straight women — do make up some of the viewers, the vast majority are straight men. This fuels the over-sexualisation of lesbians, and feeds into the idea that men can ask to watch or join in — and that we won’t see that as a red flag large enough to end the conversation forever.
Also, watching lesbian, gay, or trans porn has no correlation whatsoever to supporting our rights. Just in case that needed saying.
Another favourite myth? That lesbians are desperately miserable and unfulfilled in our relationships.
This, of course — say it with me — is born of the patriarchy. The idea that women can be happy without a man? Unthinkable.
In reality, research shows lesbians are nearly twice as happy in our relationships as straight women. We also have a lot more orgasms. Not a coincidence!
So next time a random man hits you with one of these “facts,” go ahead and hit him back with the real ones.
Tell him the facts don’t care about his feelings — then tell him to smile more.
