Sir Ian McKellen has revealed that one of the few regrets of his life is never telling his father he was gay before he died.
Speaking on Tea With Judi Dench, McKellen reflected on a letter his father, Denis Murray McKellen, wrote to him for his 21st birthday. He had reread the letter the night before filming the programme at Dame Judi Dench’s Surrey home.
“I was at university, not living at home anymore. He was only saying he loved me and I’d done well and he’d always be looking out for me, I think,” McKellen said.
‘I Knew I Was Gay At 21’
McKellen said he already understood his sexuality at the time. “I knew I was gay at 21,” he explained, describing accepting that part of himself as one of the biggest things happening in his life.
Looking back, he wishes he had shared that part of himself with his father. “One of the first persons I should have talked to about it would have been Dad. But I didn’t,” he said.
Reading the letter decades later has also made McKellen wonder whether his father may have been offering him an opportunity to open up. “He’s sending me this letter full of love. And I wonder, looking back, was he saying, is there anything you want to talk to me about?”
McKellen described hiding his sexuality from his family as “a waste of time”, adding: “I have few regrets in my life, but that’s one of them.”
Coming Out Later In Life
McKellen’s mother, Margery, died of breast cancer in 1952 when he was 12, while his father died in October 1964. McKellen did not publicly come out as gay until January 1988, when he was 48.
That moment came during a live BBC Radio discussion about Section 28, the controversial legislation that restricted the so-called “promotion of homosexuality” by local authorities. McKellen went on to become one of Britain’s most prominent LGBTQ+ campaigners.
He also recalled eventually coming out to his sister Jean, whose reaction showed that the secrecy may not have been necessary. She told him: “Oh, Ian, I’ve known that for ages, and I’ve never wanted to talk to you about it because I thought you didn’t want to.”
A Reflection Many Queer People Will Understand
McKellen’s story reflects a reality familiar to many LGBTQ+ people, particularly those who grew up in generations when being openly gay carried far greater legal and social risks.
Coming out remains a personal decision and should never be treated as an obligation. But McKellen’s regret highlights how fear can sometimes create distance between queer people and the family members who may already love and accept them.
More than six decades after receiving that birthday letter, McKellen is left wondering what might have happened if he had simply told his father the truth.
