Clinical psychologist Werner Briedenhann reflects on the impact of turning forty for gay men, and tells us that self-acceptance doesn’t have to be our undoing.
It’s here, and you didn’t expect it. Like a sudden reaction to spicy food. Welcome to forty. You’ve arrived at a place where men don’t talk about what’s going on for them.
At midlife, we face not only physical changes but also psychological upheaval. We reflect on our relationships, our social connections, and our careers.
Our brains ask: Are you happy, accepting that you are midway to death, content with your life? Are you filled with regret, shame, guilt, or joy?
Are you making enough money, pursuing meaningful goals, and giving back to yourself and others? Are you okay with being who you are, where you are?
We can systematically answer those questions and still feel the nagging. We must face the loss of our younger selves, our regrets, our choices, and finally, our acceptance of ourselves and our limitations in the new life stage of being a middle-aged man.
For any man, forty can be tough, but for gay men, forty is often harder.
There is considerable pressure to remain youthful and virile. There is a judgmental undercurrent towards men who have reached midlife. The assumption is that we should evaporate into the gay abyss, that we should shut up and sit down. To combat this rhetoric, we’ve entered an age of freezing everything in time, from our foreheads to our body fat percentage. We should not age; if we do, we need to pretend that we haven’t.
There are those among us who rebel against this. They regress to unrecognisable versions of the past and become feverishly obsessed with freezing themselves in time, like fossils trapped in amber.
They cling to a younger part of themselves or create a version of themselves that is so out of character it would make onions cry. They light the slow-burning candle of self-destruction. The ones closest to them do not know what to do, so they leave.
If we are lucky, we realise we can change. We recognise that we need community, love, and care. That we need to practise compassion for ourselves and those we encounter, and that kindness isn’t an illness. We discover how to say sorry to ourselves and learn to create shade in the heat of our harshest days.
Midlife can be an undoing, or it can be a celebration of change and embracing life again. It can be a reminder that you are still here and that you can sort out things, even the remnants of your father’s disappointment. Start therapy, start something, but do not disappear into the void because you are a middle-aged man.
These feelings don’t come to harm us. They’re there to tell us that we cannot move forward in the adventure of life by holding onto parts of ourselves that are no longer needed or functional. It calls us to look at ourselves and offers us the opportunity to grieve, learn, celebrate, and grow. We can choose to accept midlife and flourish or rebel against it and suffer.
Know you are not alone.
All my love, Warner.
WernerWerner Briedenhann works with men experiencing the various life stages we go through. He is a middle-aged man, a seasoned homosexual, and an immigrant who has lived in South Africa, New Zealand, and now Australia (Melbourne), where he provides therapy online and in person. He can be contacted at werner@melbournepractice.com.au
