It’s a hook up without the adrenaline. Dick Richards looks at how we can rewire our sexual habits to keep us cumming back for more.
To think it’s just a physical action where we experience a mind-blowing orgasm is to diminish the power of sex because it’s so much more than that. It’s not just two or more people bonking; it’s an act of connection and the way we express love and lust. It’s also complicated. Sex creates neurological pathways, and some of those can dictate how we approach the horizontal dance, who we have it with, and what gets us off.
In last month’s article, I talked about how many of us have split our sexual life from our non-sexual life and have created a sexual alter ego. We become Batman in the bedroom and Bruce out of it, and that leads to the question…
How do we maintain a healthy sex life in a relationship when we’ve been so routinely engaged in hook-up culture?
The answer is assimilation. We need to stop splitting our sexual selves off from our sexual wants, desires, and fetishes and integrate the two ‘created’ opposing personas. Hook-ups, sex apps, and alt apps are addictive by nature. The anticipation, the unknowing, the escapism, and the hedonistic addictive nature of them are undeniable. It can be like a drug. They have their purpose, and they also have their downfall.
When we orgasm, dopamine gets released into our bodies, and if we are always cumming with strangers in person or online, that’s the groove that’s getting tattooed into our brains. If the majority of our sexual experience has been in these areas, it can be hard to get that dopamine hit in a relationship setting. We associate adrenaline with sex, and when there’s no adrenaline, are we even interested?
Ask anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship, and they will tell you their sex life has changed – either it’s not as exciting, they’re too busy, or it’s non-existent. And when you ask them why, the answer is always the same. It’s become boring, or it’s too familiar; there’s no mystery, no exhilaration, no conquest. I’d suggest that there’s an association that sex is only good and fun when there’s risk or adrenaline involved.
When it comes to sex, we’ve become so familiar with the unfamiliar. We’re so used to fucking a stranger as opposed to the same person, and the unknown is what turns us on. That dopamine hit we get in those situations is so addictive that the thought of a monogamous relationship seems impossible.
So how do we navigate a good sex life with a long-term partner? First, we have to strip away the notion that sex is just for sexual release. Obviously, it is that, but it’s also an act of connection – it’s a deep sexual connection with someone who really knows you. The hard one is breaking the ideology that sex and adrenaline go hand in hand. For some of us, that groove is so deep and addictive that it can seem impossible. But the truth is, good sex is possible with a long-term partner. Because sex isn’t just about a rush or what we see online, it’s about connection, trust, and communication, and that’s possible inside a relationship, whether it’s open or closed.
Photo | Karl & Daan from coupleofmen.com
