Jessie Lewthwaite welcomes baby gays to the world of queer women’s dating and offers some tips on behaviours to leave in the straight world
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been out in a queer space and run into a baby gay who is very new to this whole queer thing. Whether she is bisexual in a long-term relationship with a man and is trying poly, or a fresh-faced lesbian straight off the farm, being herself for the first time. These interactions always seem to follow the same pattern: wide-eyed amazement that queer sapphic spaces exist, gay panic at how pretty everyone is, and a sudden overwhelming realisation that they have no idea how dating, flirting, casual sex and love work in this whole new world.
Having come out at age ten, I am one of those annoying lesbians who never didn’t know I was gay. Meaning I don’t know much about “straight dating”, but I have seen documentaries (at least one season of Sex and the City) and have some case studies (dated mostly bi/pan girls), so I’ve noticed a few things you will want to leave behind in straight land.
The whole “playing hard to get” thing? Bin it. We’ve all spent enough time wondering if that woman is flirting with us or just being friendly, that nobody has time for additional mixed signals. If you like her, tell her. If she asks you out, don’t wait three days to respond like it’s 1890 and you’re protecting your dignity. We’re all busy and anxious and would very much appreciate clear communication. Also, if you tell a woman “no”, she will take that no as a no. Lesbian culture is built around the enthusiastic consent of all parties.
In straight dating, there were men everywhere. Granted, most of them are terrible, but they are abundant. Now you’re in a much smaller dating pool, and that can make people panic. Don’t. Yes, the pool is smaller, but the quality has improved significantly. You’re not wading through men who think doing the dishes deserves a medal anymore.
That said, don’t date someone just because she’s queer and proximate. The bar should not be “has a pulse and is attracted to women.” You deserve someone who actually gets you, makes you laugh, and doesn’t make you feel like you’re performing all the time. She exists. Maybe not in your immediate friend group (please be careful there; the incest chart gets complicated fast), but she’s out there. Making friends will make meeting other queer women much easier and more fun. And it’s not all clubs and bars either! For my more introverted ladies, why not go along to a sapphic book club or knitting group? You don’t have to be a night owl or appreciator of loud music to be “on the scene” in the lesbian world.
Feel free to collectively roll your eyes when I say this, but… be yourself. TikTok may tell you that you need to be a “type” of lesbian. It may seem important at first to know if you are more Chapstick futch or cottagecore, but I promise you it really isn’t. You can just be yourself. Maybe yourself wears flannels. Maybe yourself wears vintage dresses and red lipstick. Maybe you exclusively wear clothing acquired from music festivals in 2019. All valid.
And please, for the love of Sappho, don’t immediately get a terrible haircut. I know it’s tempting. I know it feels like a rite of passage. But maybe just start with some cuffed jeans and see how you feel. Also, your gaydar will be terrible for at least six months. You’ll think the straight girl with a nose ring is queer. She’s not; she’s just a barista.
