The Slut Door

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When I was asked to write an article about sex, a hint of naughtiness blazed across my face like my Mills and Boons fantasy was about to come true.


In my 41-year-old skin, I feel considerably settled. No, not settled, self-assured. A lot of books will tell you this happens. You don’t sweat the small stuff. You care less about what others think of you. I’m not sure about the wise part (I’ll probably be a wise ass for life – does that count?) but what I do know is all of these layers have helped open something I didn’t expect would open. My slut door! 

What is a slut door? To be clear, it is not an easy ass. That, I still make you work for. Opening your slut door is about opening up to your sexual power and sexual power is about having sex without regret, expectation and most importantly, sex on your own terms. Having a slut door is a positive thing. It’s about you taking control, of your body and what you do with it.

This whole sexual power thing has got me thinking, is it just human evolution. Are we all destined to experience it at some stage in our lives? Is it a chemical thing that only happens to some people? Or is it about knowing your identity and your truth? From truth comes personal freedom and from freedom, comes power. Girl, if this is what a slut door is made up of, then I say, fling that door wide open!

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I like sex… and as a trans woman, the more settled I’ve become in my skin the more authentically interested I am in exploring my sexuality, my masculinity, my femininity and the lovers I choose to engage with – safe and consensual of course. I never quite understood how it all linked before. It was as if I was skating on the edge but never quite inside the cup. I could go from being a formidable lover to shy and unconfident, depending on how shit I felt about my self-image, about my body. And sometimes, it felt like I was having sex outside of myself.

Sexual power is about putting yourself first. I don’t think that sinks in until you get older. Growing up trans and exploring my sexuality was complex and at times, confronting. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a decent sex life. I mean, not brag worthy, but not shit either. And boy could I put myself in some dangerous situations – especially in my 20’s where you sometimes think you’re invincible and forget your actions have consequences. For example, I would bring men home and not tell them I was trans. And there’s always that moment of, um, am I going to get the bash this time? The fact that I almost did, but didn’t, made me feel empowered… or shame. I couldn’t tell the difference back then. Probably more shame, but hey, it was my 20’s.

(Sexually and morally) I’ve done things I didn’t want to do, but I needed the validation. Welcome to my 30’s. I had boyfriends who put me up on pedestals, who adored me, and I thought that was me owning my sexual power.  But all it did was create separation and you can’t connect if there is too much space. The bonus was I escaped having to be vulnerable. I think in the end I knew this was unfolding, but I kept doing it anyway. My slut door has helped me own my shit, close the gap. And now, I don’t feel so separated.

What I’ve learned is to give in to the moment, whether you’re over thinking it, judging it or thinking about being judged. And all you’re left with is just good ol’ fashioned heat-of-the-moment-passion-with-or-without-strings-you-choose sex. I’ve also learned that vulnerability is about being okay with all of that.

So what is the next step after discovering your slut door? Is it a relationship? Yeah, I suppose that makes sense if that’s what you want. Is it an ongoing personal journey of self-discovery? Dunno! But for now? I’m just going to enjoy myself, have sex, hang out in the moment and see where this slut door takes me. Maybe the slut door has another door or maybe it revolves? But, that’s another story. 

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Ramon Te Wake
Ramon Te Wake is a screen director, producer, freelance writer and singer songwriter. Her resume is vast, diverse and always colourful! She is currently working on the TV series 2KAHA where she directs the 'on the rise' segment which features young Maori who are "currently taking it to the world stage", as well as working with her close friend Mika Haka on the 2016 Aroha festival.