Guest Writer: Tom Sainsbury’s Guide To Love

Tome Sainsbury. Photo | Mataara Stokes. Suit by Crane Brothers
Advertisement

Kiss-off Valentine and kill Cupid, but definitely marry comedian Tom Sainsbury! The host of The Tom Sainsbury Love Hour presents his guide to taking a chance on a love that burns hot enough to last! (RIP)

Now look, I’m far from being an expert in the ways of love but I’ll give this a bash. 

I have had quite a few love affairs in my time, and long term relationships, brilliant one night stands and have made so many romantic mistakes, so I’ll just talk from my extensive experience. But my imparted wisdom is in no way sensible or the correct way of doing things. 

Advertisement

First and foremost, if you’re to have a love affair, go at it whole hog. Get fully immersed in the giddy feelings and the delicious lustiness of it all. This is what life is about. If you have the opportunity, go for it. You’ll look back from your deathbed and think fondly of really going there with someone. 

Next, I live by the moto that they’re probably just not that into you. If they’re not messaging you back for days at a time, they’re not into you and you need to move on. Sorry! I know that’s horrible. And you can fool yourself that maybe you can wear them down, but you can’t. If they’re not messaging you back, move on! If they say they’re not ready for another relationship, they’re just not that into you. If you find them on Grindr, they’re just not into you (and if you’re on Grindr, perhaps you’re not into them)

Next, it is okay for a relationship to end. It feels like a failure because that’s what our society is geared to believe. But it’s not. Sometimes a breakup is the most magical thing that can happen. If the relationship wasn’t good it means you’re on track to the good one.

Breakups do hurt, however. Of course they do. And you feel lousy (even though it’s good motivation to go hard at the gym and look amazing, so look forward to that). And when you’re in the middle of a breakup, you’ll want the hurt and pain to be over. But, unfortunately, it does take a lot of time to get over it. Long term relationships take a year to heal from, I’m afraid. So buckle down and brace yourself for that long journey, and know that waves of sadness will still hit months after the fact.

Next, you are so much better looking than you realise. God, when I was young I thought I was absolutely hideous. And it made me so self-conscious in the love department. But I look back now and think ‘what the hell is wrong with you?! You should’ve confidently (sexually) slain every hot man that came in your path’. So please, go forth and be confident with your looks. You’re honestly, better looking than you realise.

On that note, sex is so much better when you don’t give a shit on how gross you look and feel and just go for it. Just take those self-conscious thoughts and distract yourself from them. You’ll have a better time. 

And finally, try and be respectful and compassionate to everyone you come across (literally and figuratively). It can be hard, especially with a messy breakup, or avoiding someone you’re just not into any more, or after a lusty hook up where you realise you’re semi-repulsed by their hygiene. But if you treat that person with respect you’ll come away feeling better for it and you’ll make the world just that much kinder.

For The Tom Sainsbury Love Hour (4 to 20 March at The Civic Club) our favourite playwright and Snapchat-satirist invites Kiwi notables onstage to discuss their love lives. The good, bad and ugly will be unveiled by guests including Hilary Barry, Chlöe Swarbrick and Mike King. aaf.co.nz for tickets and further info.

 

Advertisement