New express columnist Hamuera Johnsm takes on the rollercoaster ride that is gay life on a dating app.

Things grindr has incidentally taught me I don’t like:

– Too much cologne.


There’s no easy blame for excessive use of the above. I think personal hygiene can often be clutched at with neurotic gusto as a means of allaying social anxieties, and things like fragrances resorted to, with irrational talismanic reverence. I’m personally quite lax about such things, within reason. A recent hookup left me with a metal-taste that seeped into my sinuses and bed sheets with pesky resilience. Yuck!

– Guys with an aversion to body hair.

I’m fine with an openness about physical preferences, and even support the potentially demeaning conveyance of these on grindr, but seriously; no body hair?! That’s just fucking weird. I’m talking about the painstaking cosmetic removal of body hair, not its natural absence, and then the insistence of sexual partners doing the same. Is it an inter-species trans-humanism thing? Denying the human body’s natural defences!

– Flakes/time-wasters.

If I wanted to pic-swap, I’d watch porn. I came here to fuck! Also, hosting is give and take.

My prime example of a time-waster:

I had a guy come up to my apartment and after four flights of stairs, he realised he’d left his inhaler at home. He left mine with a nearly blue face, and I haven’t seen him since… I hope he made it!

Article Hamuera Johnsm