Lifestyle Opinion

Ask Agony Uncle Eli

Elijah Michel
Written by Elijah Michel

Rainbow Counsellor Elijah Luke Michel is here to help with your problems.


Q – I’m ashamed to say that I need help. I’ve watched porn on a daily basis for some years now, often numerous times a day. I’ve been single for the past 2 years but now I’m in a relationship and struggling to climax even though my partner really turns me on. After sex, while my partner sleeps, I go downstairs and do my thing. If they knew they’d be devastated. Have I got a problem, and if so am I better off single for life?

A – I’m proud of you for reaching out. There’s no shame in addiction – we all have our vices – only the stigma and vulnerability that accompanies it. Whether single or in relationship, the slave that we become to psychological and physical stimulation is unhealthy to both mind and body. As our need for dopamine (the feel-good chemical released during arousal) increases, we can find ourselves seeking out a wider variety of imagery, and more often. Sex imagery in itself – consensual, respectful, age-appropriate intimacy – is harmless, even helpful for some people, but when we place violent or derogatory images before our eyes we become desensitised. What may have started as innocent pleasure-seeking has become a sordid secret that eats away at our conscience and self worth. Even ‘soft’ pornography can mislead us into thinking sex is always perfect and pleasurable and has a happy ending, and that is simply not true in reality. When in relationship, as you have discovered, our partner is simply unable to provide the same real-life experience (and incidentally neither are you). The depth that comes with a relationship aside from the sexual component is worth far more than a life of solitude and online pleasure. Check out www.nofap.com – it’s a fantastic website for both men and women addicted to pornography, and has resources for their partners. The freedom will be worth it for you both.

If you have an issue you would like Elijah to address in express, email ask@gayexpress.co.nz.Questions are only viewed by Elijah and your identity will remain completely confidential at all times.

About the author

Elijah Michel

Elijah Michel

Elijah Michel is a faithless Chaplain and Counsellor for the Rainbow Community, working with both Rainbow Youth and OUTLine NZ as an independent consultant.

Cher Concert HEAD 1 – 31 July 2018