Modern Dating Done Right

Auckland Playwright ‘Dick Richards’ says it’s time to stop staring at your black mirror and embrace your butterflies.

Dating is a war zone. We’ve all got bullet wounds, and some of us are still bleeding from our last relationship. Unless you want to be a walking island, dating is something we must do. But how do you meet a man who genuinely wants to date and not just cum on your face at 11pm on a Tuesday? Grindr is for sex, Tinder is now… for sex, and Taimi? Well, I haven’t had the time to finish my profile. The amount of times I’ve had great banter with a guy on an app, and then when we meet it’s as awkward as a sexual health checkup, is numerous. I’ve come to the conclusion I will never meet a man on my phone for anything other than a quickie. 

We all know there’s no such thing as ‘love at first sight’, only ‘lust at first sight’! Now with all the apps there’s ‘fuck at first sight’ – which of course has its benefits. It’s a familiar situation, spending an embarrassing amount of time on Grindr searching for that specimen that’s gonna scratch that itch in our pants. The only thing I worry about is are we losing our ability to connect as people and not just as pieces of meat? Being vulnerable is terrifying and it takes a big risk. But it’s also extremely empowering.

A few years ago, I had the cutest encounter with a guy. We always seemed to have our breaks at the same time on Vulcan Lane. Every day we would stare at each other, then look away, then stare again. It was so titillating. I found myself making more of an effort with my attire in hopes he would come over and talk to me – he didn’t.

After a month of the staring and no banter bullshit, I finally struck the courage to give him my number. I had finished work and saw him having an after-work bevvy at a bar with his workmate. I walked into the bar, stood on the stairwell for five minutes, then walked over to him and said: “I think you might be wanting this”. I gave him my number scrawled on a piece of paper and walked out without waiting for a reply. I wanted to die but I have also never felt so alive. I walked home up feeling unstoppable. I didn’t care if he never text, I was just so stoked I had the guts to put myself out there in real life (IRL) instead of a tap on the ol grind.

Hiding behind your phone is safe and easy, and addictive. If you send a face pic and you don’t get a reply – block! If they send a face pic and you don’t like – block! If you don’t like their dick pic – block! We’ve all done it, and we’ve all had it done to us. It’s cut-throat! But it ain’t real. The more we feed something the more it will grow! We all like getting our dicks wet, but let’s be honest, we all like the first date butterflies. And the latter is more worthwhile and more real than a random blow and go. It just takes a bit of courage and vulnerability, and to me, those are two of the hottest qualities in a man. Am I right?