Do you want to flop it out and measure who is the most gay? Jessie Lewthwaite refuses to rank sexuality and says it’s time we embraced all queer women.

When I was 19, I kissed a boy in my local gay bar for a shot.

In my defence, the patrons had just found out we were the two “gold stars” there that night and thought it would be funny to get us to kiss. For reference, “gold star” is someone who has never ‘been with’ someone of their opposite gender.


I remember being bored… And not knowing what to do with my hands… but I got my free shot and at 19, that felt worth it.

Back then I thought being a “gold star” was an achievement. Like I’d really won at gayness.

My emo phase wasn’t even this cringe…

But then my first real girlfriend was bisexual, and then I dated another bi girl… and a few more, and now I can tell you that ‘gold star’ is nothing to be especially proud of.

I’m a proud lesbian. But importantly, I don’t want to gate keep that label. I’m 34 now… no longer 19, and I’ve done things in my life that are actually worthy of my pride. Like my level on Call of Duty or barely scraping my way through uni.

So now I question why WLW (women who love women) have been encouraged to rank ourselves on some kind of fucked up score sheet. Surely that will only ever serve to make our already very small community, even smaller. 

We can only date each other’s ex’s so many times.

Also, do you have any idea how easy it is to impress a girl who is used to dating men?! The bar is very low!

Why would we ever let our own insecurities get in the way of impressing women with things like personal hygiene, basic manners, and knowledge of the clitoris?

If a girl has been with men before but now she is only interested in women and identifies as a lesbian; pop off queen, I’m here for it!

If she just came out as bi and is looking for her first lady love; welcome to the shit show honey, buy some cats, you’ll fit right in.

However, if you are on the dating scene and a girl proudly proclaims “gold star” status… abort… back away. Smoke bomb out of there cause what that girl just said for real was, “I want to competitively rank sexuality so that I’m the winner!”

If a bi girl is with a man, she is still bi…. That relationship appearing heteronormative is not her fault and us pushing her away only pushes her further towards a life in the suburbs, living, laughing, and loving her way to soccer practice.

To all my lesbians… my people, we aren’t competing with men for bi women… We are competing with our own insecurities. Don’t take your own baggage out on the bisexuals.

To all my bi readers: queer spaces are your spaces, no matter who you are with. Don’t let a gold star, wrapped in red flags, tell you any different.