Dick Richards says we shouldn’t be ashamed of our desires and fantasies – they are an important part of who we are.
Who doesn’t love the excitement of a casual hook-up? The foreplay of the dirty chats, the tension in our pants when we get sent a dick pic, the build-up of exhilaration as we’re on our way to meet our next conquest. There’s nothing like it, and the best part of hook-ups are the no-strings-attached. We arrive, we cum, we leave. It’s probably one of the most exciting parts of being queer. There’s no judgement, and it’s become part of our culture – like a rite of passage.
From a spontaneous wank with a stranger in a locker room to a blowjob at the local gloryhole, or a quick fuck in a hotel room or your place when the flatties have gone to sleep, most of us have done it and more. Hook-up culture has its perks. It’s fun, and we get to experiment sexually. We can explore our fantasies and find out what we like and don’t like. Raise your erection, and let’s toast to sexual freedom!
It’s interesting, though, that so many queer men have an alter ego. A sexual side and a non-sexual side, a freak in the sheets and a gentleman in the streets. It’s not a prudish thing; we’ll happily talk about sex in our ‘public’ life but keep hidden the gimp mask and our affinity to get urinated on by strangers in a park.
It’s a secret sex ‘alt’ self. It’s the side of ourselves that we only let out in a sexual setting – most often with strangers. Have you ever talked to a person online and had the dirtiest and sexiest chat, then when you meet them, they’re more vanilla than a soft serve? You thought you were meeting Tom Hardy, but instead it’s Tom Hanks. Or the opposite happened. You thought when you hit the bedroom it was going to be a polite blowjob, but instead you’re being gagged and told to call him daddy?
I think a lot of us are or have found ourselves split from our sexual selves. Our sexual behaviours, desires and fantasies are on this side, while our non-sexual life is on the other side. Have you seen those memes? Instagram vs Grindr, LinkedIn vs Tinder. They’re funny, eh? Just a silly meme with a bit of truth. Yet they say more than we realise. Those memes satirise the actual truth that we are constantly separating our sexual selves from our non-sexual selves.
I know some people reading will be like, ‘Well, sometimes it’s not appropriate to show that part of ourselves’, and yeah, obviously, I’m not suggesting going to Mission Bay and getting gangbanged right on the beach or posting your dildos on Facebook. I’m suggesting that we don’t need to be ashamed of our wants and desires and fantasies. We don’t need to separate that side of ourselves for fear of judgement. The part of us that is lust is something to be celebrated, not pushed aside.
Sometimes it’s like we need to have a second ‘coming out’ for our sexual life because so often we keep it hidden – as if it’s something dirty and shameful. I’m here to tell you it’s not. You don’t need to be split anymore. The more honest you are with yourself, the more comfortable you’ll be in your own skin, and the more likely you’ll meet someone who is on the same page as you – ALL of you.
Photo | Gabriel Goldberg for VACAYA (myvacaya.com)
