I’ve been pondering these questions recently: What makes a good relationship? Why do some people seem able to make their relationship work while others seem to have so many hiccups? What is the difference between the people who are in stable relationships and the people who seem to struggle?
I believe it comes down to how much a person loves and values themself.
It goes without saying that relationships are complex. They are a joint romantic adventure with ups and downs that hopefully lead to a lifetime of companionship. But if your relationship isn’t helping you grow to love yourself, is it right for you? A bad relationship will fuel your insecurities, grow self-doubt and ultimately feed your self-saboteur. What I’ve noticed in successful relationships is that both parties have a deep knowledge of who they are, what they want and what they need. But the most important thing is that they actually like who they are. In fact, loving who you are is the key to everything.
Look at your friends and ask, “Do they love themselves?” Dig a little deeper, and you’ll start to see. I’m not asking you to judge; it’s more of an observation, a curiosity. Then turn the tables and ask yourself… “Do you love who you are?”
Again, no judging. It never helps. Do you love yourself? Have you forgiven yourself for the shitty things of the past that you’ve done or had done to you? Are you proud of the person in the mirror? Do you enjoy your own company? Do you like your life? These are important questions to ask yourself – especially if you are wanting a partner. Because how are you going to get someone to like you if you don’t like yourself or your life?
A person who loves themselves won’t accept breadcrumbs, disrespect or abuse of any kind. A person who loves themselves won’t compromise their integrity, their morals or their needs for another person. It’s impossible to love someone when they don’t love themselves. It’s like trying to fill up an unplugged bath. All your love eventually gets emptied down the drain. When you have two baths without any water, all you have are empty baths.
That’s what relationships feel like when there’s no self-love. You try to fill it and fill it, but it’s impossible to get it to overflow – and that’s what we want. Love should be overflowing. Sometimes the water’s hot, and sometimes it’s cold, but ideally, it should always be abundant.
When something’s not working, it’s necessary to take a step back and reflect. Is it time to put the breaks on the dating scene and date yourself? What would it be like to woo yourself and look after the person you are always with? To love on that person and tell them they are valued, loved and cherished? I’m not suggesting quitting all contact with friends and family to be by yourself; all I’m saying is that self-love is the first step. If you aren’t loving number one, then you aren’t ready to be two (or three… or more).
“Now, can I get an amen?!”
