Jessie Lewthwaite skewers old-fashioned heteronormative relationship dynamics.
Being in a modern millennial queer relationship means certain traditions must be upheld. We must call our dog our ‘furbaby’`, we must drink iced coffees and we must watch TikToks together before bed. This is just our ‘culture’.
One night while participating in the TikTok ritual, one popped up of a masc lesbian who had some wild takes. It was my girlfriend’s algorithm, which makes sense because about 90% of her TikTok feed is masc-presenting women biting their lips seductively, squinting at the camera like they are looking directly into the sun. This one was different, however, because she was actually speaking words, and what fascinating words they were. Speaking with astonishing conviction, she proclaimed that any WLW (women who love women) relationship that wasn’t a ‘masc/femme dynamic’ just didn’t make any sense. ‘If you aren’t masc/femme, then how do you know who is supposed to do what in the relationship?’ She went on to comment that her wife didn’t even know their car had an air filter and that that is correct because it isn’t her job (as the femme) to know that. My girlfriend rightfully swiped her away after that because we will be damned if we allow compulsory heteronormativity in our house on a Tuesday. But it got me thinking… straight gender norms, but in a queer relationship?!
For context, I am masc (see my previous works on being butch for details), and my girlfriend is femme. But not once have I considered that my gender expression comes with a set of “manly” responsibilities. An ex of mine is a qualified mechanic, but she is very femme-presenting. Little did I know letting her lead decisions around our car was actually emasculating me! I was basing my decision on skill, not who wore more flannel – silly me! Imagine being queer and still managing to live in a world where ‘who drives more’ is dictated by hair length!
Obviously, I am making fun of this way of thinking because it is, of course, very stupid, but it is also quite sad. I know that as queer people we are treated differently by society, and this for some could create an overwhelming need to feel like they still ‘fit in’. The whole, ‘I may be gay, but I am gay in a straight way’, might make people feel like they will be more likely to be accepted by society. But gurrrl… listen to me close a sec: most straight people don’t do that shit anymore!
If the collapse of ‘trad wife’ TikTok has taught us anything, it is that in 2024 traditional gender roles just don’t work. Sure, a lot of straight men think they want a ‘traditional wife’ who cooks and cleans and babies them, but that also comes with a single income. Do you want trad wife money? Cause I sure don’t! Nothing like the crushing chains of capitalism to really make sure everyone is equally monetising their labour.
I’ve always thought the absolute best thing about being queer is that all the nonsense rules society makes up don’t apply to us. Just because I take out the bins doesn’t make me the ‘man’ of the relationship. My girlfriend being a wizard at packing the dishwasher doesn’t make her the woman. And if you are femme-for-femme or masc-for-masc, you aren’t doing queerness wrong!
Remember that asking people in a queer relationship, ‘Which one is the man?’ is like asking a pair of chopsticks, ‘Which one is the fork?’
