Ty Philips discusses three types of Valentine’s dates that trans women experience and explains how experiencing more, stopped her settling for less.
Valentine’s Day is here, along with expectations of gorgeous bouquets of roses, being wined and dined and elaborate romantic gestures. While this day is all about fantasies of romance, it doesn’t always turn out the way we expect.
I’ve had my fair share of Valentine’s over the years. From my experience as a heterosexual trans woman, there are three distinct types of dates that you can expect. Here’s what I’ve observed:
Date Type One: The Secret
This is the person you’ve been seeing for a few months— definitely under a year. The relationship feels new, and there’s an air of mystery about it. You haven’t met their friends or family, and although you know their job title, you have no idea where they actually work.
The “Secret” is the person who might watch porn featuring trans women but is hesitant or uncomfortable with the idea of a real relationship with one. They might see us as an object for their pleasure, but not as a full, complex human being. They could also just be cheating on their partner, using the excuse of “Oh, I have to work late on Valentine’s Day” or “I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day, it’s just a corporate cash grab.”
No matter how many times you suggest plans or push for a meaningful date, the excuses never stop. This type of date rarely happens at all; If it does, it’s usually not what you were hoping for.
Date Type Two: The Car Date
The “Car Date” can vary, depending on the person, but one thing is for sure—it’s less personal, less effort, and definitely less romantic. A simple date in a car with some already wilting supermarket flowers and a box of chocolates (that he’s conveniently ‘forgot at home’)”).
Looking back on my experiences with the “Car Date,” they were often late at night and lacked any real depth. They were just small talk and sex, nothing more. It left me wondering: Why didn’t we go to his place? Why didn’t we go to mine? Should I just stop caring about Valentine’s Day altogether? Am I expecting too much?
These dates make you question your worth, and whether it’s your fault. The truth is, if you’re constantly finding yourself in this situation, it’s a sign that something’s off.
Date Type Three: All I Ever Wanted
Type Three is what we all dream of. This person could be the one you’ve been dating for a while, and you just know they’re right for you. They make you feel seen, heard and appreciated.
It’s a relationship based on genuine connection. You’re a part of each other’s lives, and there’s mutual understanding and respect.
The “Type Three” date is planned together, and it feels effortless. There’s communication weeks in advance, so you both know what to expect. These dates are customised to suit both of you, and there’s no guesswork involved.
For me, sometimes a Type Three date means being wined and dined—something like a Sex and the City love story with heart-shaped balloons, a chef’s special menu for two (or more, shout out to my poly relationships!). Other times, it might be more low-key: a cosy movie night in, a favourite takeaway, a walk on the beach, or a candlelit night between the sheets.
The key to a Type Three date is comfort, communication, and companionship. You don’t have to settle for less, and being trans doesn’t change that.
Final Thoughts
Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be about settling for any of the first two types of dates. Type Three—where love, respect, and understanding collide—is what we all deserve. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, always remember that you’re worthy of the best.
