Ask Agony Uncle Eli

Rainbow Counsellor Elijah Michel is here to help with your problems. Today he tackles what to do when your man says he loves you but keeps putting you down! 

Hi Eli,

I met someone two weeks ago online and we sent a few messages back and forth before arranging to meet at a cafe. As soon as I saw him I thought, ‘he’s cute’ and I really enjoyed our lunch together, however, a few things have been niggling away at me in the back of my mind.

When we met at the beach on our second date, he made comments as if we were committed to spending the rest of our lives together – he wants to meet my family, he can’t wait for me to meet his kids – and dotted in between are little put-down remarks followed by “I’m joking!” But he has so many positive qualities too.

So do I meet him again or call it quits now?

I think your intuition is warning you about this guy. Being cute and having positive qualities are of course draw cards, but moving too quickly is one sure sign of an unhealthy attachment.

It takes time to really get to know someone, and it is only by spending a decent amount of time together that we learn about their values (by actions, not words) and see how they respond to stress.

I once dated someone who was charming in every way except behind the wheel, where they had huge road rage. I chose to ignore it, blaming the traffic, until they ended up losing the plot one night and smashing a friend’s house window. That was a clear goodbye for me, but it may have come sooner if I had taken note of the warning signs.

Your date’s combination of moving too quickly as well as the gaslighting (I’m joking, therefore you are wrong to take offence) is a clear red flag, and not one I suggest you swim between.