When it comes to dating, Dick Richard’s two biggest red flags are behaviours he himself is guilty of. So how do we avoid attachment issues, both in ourselves and others?
When it comes to dating and relationships, I have found there are two common red flags that will put everything on pause and possibly ruin what could be a successful relationship. Drum roll, please… those two things are ‘anxious attachments’ and ‘avoidant attachments’.
Let’s start with the former. In layman’s terms, ‘anxious attachments’ are what you’d call being clingy. It’s a word no one wants to be associated with – I’d rather be called a dirty slut than that awful ‘C’ word. It’s the overthinking and overanalysing that really mess with your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s not very attractive. The behaviour of a person who is anxiously attached can be manipulative, desperate, and sometimes quite embarrassing. We’ve all seen it unfold, and maybe we’ve been the one unfolding.
The latter is what I’d describe as ‘fuck boy’ behaviour. ‘Avoidant attachment’ behaviours are ambivalent, confusing, hot and cold, and mysterious. These characteristics have been portrayed onscreen and in books as that unattainable, hot, mysterious man. I don’t know of one person who hasn’t fallen for someone with an avoidant attachment. For some reason, we’re like a moth to the flame for their elusive and ‘hard to get’ gameplay. We think that if we can get this person, then that must make us pretty special. It’s a lie.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve been both. I’ve been the insecure one in a relationship, constantly analysing and overthinking, and I’ve also been the elusive one, keeping my partner at arm’s length. I think it depends on what the other person is. If they’re avoidant, I’m anxious, and if they’re anxious, I’m avoidant. I’ve been trying to work out why I do this, and I think what it is, is a lack of my own self-worth. If someone wants me, I push them away, and if someone is ambivalent, then I chase them as they’re proving my worthlessness. It’s a bit sad, isn’t it? But now I know, and now I am working towards being what we all want, and that’s having a balanced attachment.
But what feeds these attachments? The main ingredient for anxious and avoidant attachments is fear. We all have it, we’ve all experienced it. Can we be blamed? Dating and relationships are scary. Opening your heart and letting someone in is terrifying. It’s so much easier to just fuck and have a few dates and move on to the next person, but is that really what we want deep down? I’m going to say no. I’m not being old school, but I think humans need human connection; we need relationships. What I’ve come to understand is that neither ‘attachments’ make you a villain, but if left unchecked, you’ll probably be on the dating apps longer than anticipated.
A balanced attachment is the goal, and that takes a lot of patience and self-awareness. Be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling, ask yourself why you’re feeling a certain way, and watch your behaviour. If they haven’t texted you back, or if they invite you to meet the parents, or if they don’t want to have sex, what do you do, and how does that make you feel? Figure out what is driving the fear, and maybe you’ll see that what you’re feeling isn’t always what your fear is telling you.
The word ‘attachment’ has so many yucky connotations, but we can’t help but get attached to people we like. It’s natural and perfectly healthy. We just want it to be balanced.
