Gay Dating: How Important Is Sexual Compatibility?

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When you’re searching for hookups and relationships on the same apps, Dick Richards says you can find yourself focusing on the wrong things.

There’s an old saying, ‘never fuck on the first date’. If you fuck on a first date then that’s all it will ever be – a fuck. Then there’s another saying, ‘make sure you fuck on the first date’ because then you’ll know if you’re both compatible. The latter has that scary C-word in it… the C-word us gays are quite particular about – compatibility!

We all have our sexual preferences, and some of us aren’t really fussed either way, as long as someone gets a milk moustache. But does compatibility equate to chemistry? 

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When we’re online we’re looking for compatibility because the truth is most guys online are looking for sex. We’re looking for a particular type of appendage that will fulfil the type of sex we’re in the mood for. So, we have to find someone who’s going to fulfil our needs and the key question is going to be “are you top or bottom or vers?” In these circumstances, chemistry usually isn’t an important factor, attraction, sexual preference and the ability to host are. 

When you’re an app, you get to put ALL your cards on the table without shame because there is little risk or vulnerability involved. You state who you are (minus your real age) and what you’re looking for. Online interaction is easier because the stakes are lower, and if you’re not into it anymore? You can just not reply or block.

“But wait a minute Dick, I’ve had heaps of great chats with guys and there’s definitely been chemistry!”

Sure, but I’d suggest maybe it’s that weird thing our minds do where we project who we think they might be from the little information they have given us and begin a wee fantasy. We’ve all had that awkward experience of meeting a guy IRL and they are completely different to what you had imagined. Cheque, please! 

In relationships, sexual preference doesn’t dictate compatibility, chemistry does. When we’re not online it’s all about the swag and the charm. The stakes are higher and you present the best version of yourself. That rush before a first date, those nerves of excitement and unknowing, isn’t coming from whether you like to give or take. It’s about how the game of verbal ping-pong you’re about to have is going to go. It’s going to be all about the chemistry, and if that’s there and sparking, sexual preference isn’t going to matter when it comes to compatibility. Why? Because your chemistry with that person will work it out.  

Hook-ups are about sexual preference, but relationships aren’t. Two ‘bottoms’ or two ‘tops’ can be compatible and still have sex together, sex doesn’t always mean a dick going in a hole – if that’s what you think, then you’ve been watching too much porn. 

If you’re balls-deep in the dating pool, putting compatibly at the forefront of your search could lead to missing out on meeting someone special. We know our pool is smaller than the straight’s, so why are we so insistent on putting more parameters on ourselves? I’m not saying we lower the bar. I’m suggesting we remove it altogether. 

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